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August 6, 2003

All the Glurge Fit to Purge
Top Stories: Iraqis Scared Right Iraqis Celebrate by the Thousands CNN's Commie Colors Bleed Through Revisiting Dimberg's Confirmation Bias Wartime Budget Concerns NPR's 50-50 Policy Tilts Leftward Colin Powell a Brilliant Negro FOX Reporter Fired for not Being Fair & Balanced Clarifying the Meaning of "Decapitation" FOX Smuggler a CBS Mole Dixie Chicks too fat to be Talented Anymore Freepers Correct About Restricted Freedom Archives
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Archives Iraqi Youth Can't Tolerate Appeasement War Duration Exactly as Planned President Faces Tough Crowds Bush's Economy Better Than Clinton's Why We Should Exterminate moslems Pope Going to Hell

"Less Tolerance, More Air Strikes!" Iraqi Youths Rally Behind Bush (New York City) .. . . .As I have continuously proven for over twenty years now liberalism is dangerous to America. We already know this is a fact, mkay? And so there’s no point in arguing with me about it, so LOOK: what we have to do now is identify the various faces of this evil mindset, and wipe them out, one by one. One of these ugly faces is what I like to call “The Liberal Media.” Yes, there is a problem with liberal media, and it all comes out of southern California. This ain’t my opinion, it’s a fact, so LOOK: tons of false legends abound within this Hollywood-based camp of radical leftists. For example, ”Democracy works better when everyone’s vote counts,””The economy hinges upon some imaginary phenomenon called ’consumer confidence’,””The Confederate Flag is a symbol of racism,” and so forth. All sorts of wacky stuff. I know plenty about these things - It’s a fact. I used to work around these morons, so I know what I’m talking about, mkay? Anyway, one of these crazy myths claims that “aggressive foreign policies” (the left’s way of not having to say “Republican policies”) are unpopular in countries like Iran, Egypt, Jordan, and Iraq, because they result in the deaths of thousands of innocent victims. But brace yourselves - I’m here to tell you differently. This ain’t the way things work, mkay? Adhij Aljah Mohema'jan blames appeasement policies for terrorist acts he and friends are currently planning. Sure, bombs and bullets occasionally kill innocent civilians, but why aren’t any of these liberal elites telling us about the many, many more deaths being caused by bad guys like Saddam Hussein? I mean, come on! Rags like the New York Times and the L.A. Times don’t wanna hear about those things. All they wanna tell us about is minor stuff like “prisoners of war,” “unforeseen food and munitions requirements,” and “declining morale.” Talk about spin! Now look: there’s this Syrian kid who cleans my pool, all right? Name of “Mohammed” or “Majimar” or something. Not important. What is important is every week, when I’m about to give him his paycheck, I invite him to sit down with me, poolside, and discuss his feelings about George W. Bush vs. Saddam Hussein. And whaddya know? He always agrees with me about which leader is the real bad guy here. That’s not all - if I ask him about the bombing of his Muslim brothers, he seems to be just fine with it. No argument, just a bunch of "yes sir's," "no sir's," and "thank you, sir's." So don’t try to tell me these kids are pro-peace or anything like that, mkay? These countries have had their chance for peace, for what, like ten thousand years or so, right? And I think they’re getting a little tired of it all, to be honest. I think these kids wake up everyday, look at themselves in the mirror, and before they reach for the Maybelline or Pond’s Cream they say, “Hey! This peace stuff ain’t working out! How about a little bombing run or two from my American friends?” Now, I’m going out on a limb here - I’m gonna demand the liberal media stop all the spin. If not, then we’re just gonna stop buying your papers, lefties. Not advocating any boycott or anything like that, I’m just sayin’ – I don’t think intellectually honest Americans should buy your rags until you start reporting more facts and less unimportant details, mkay? The reason these Muslim kids are so hostile to the United States – and I’m not sayin’ they are, I’m just playin’ Devil’s Advocate here – the reason these Muslim kids are so hostile to the United States is because we haven’t been firm enough in our resolve. And everyone except the moronic liberal media elites acknowledges this. These Muslim people are like a giant, collectively spoiled kid in need of a good, old-fashioned butt-kickin’, and we need to get out there and do it! Wanna see terrorism stop? Then let’s beat the snot out of this spoiled brat before he grows up, mkay? War Duration Exactly as Expected Dwindling Supplies Part of the Plan There’s a lot of media spin out there about how our troops have run out of stuff too early in the campaign to liberate Iraq. But our Pentagon sources tell us the story is a little deeper than that. “When our soldiers recently ran out of food, fuel, and bullets, they were doing precisely what we wanted them to do,” explained a spokesman for Donald Rumsfeld. “This was part of a bigger, psy-ops plan formulated to confuse the enemy,” he continued, “and it’s working like a charm. Now we really have an advantage over our enemy." Now LOOK: I have to admit I see his point. I mean, have you ever seen a desperately hungry man in a fight? The spinmeisters in Hollywood have really missed the boat on this one. It's so obvious I'm frankly stunned - even someone so moronic as the Hollywood elite should see this one. Take some young, American troops, make sure they're not in any real danger, and make sure they're just a little hungry at the end of the day. Talk about lean, mean, fighting machines! Pretty smart, huh?” President Addresses Tough Crowd The President faces a lot of tough challenges these days, not the least of which are the crowds of hostile liberals and intellectual elites he so bravely confronts every day. In fact, just this week he traveled to Florida to speak to a crowd of onlookers that, at best can be described as "neutral." I'm convinced the more accurate term here is "commie," but I'm gonna play Devil's Advocate here, mkay? Skeptical Onlookers at McDill AFB It takes a pretty great man to face the music the way Mr. Bush does, mkay? I mean, I can't recall, in fact, the last time we had a leader so well-adjusted in front of the camera, or so well-adapted to handle the tough, unexpected questions from the Hollywood left. Oh wait... yes I can! And it wasn't Mr. Clinton either, mkay, Ms. Sarandon? All right with you, Tim Robbins? That's right -- it was George Bush, Sr., or as the drugged-out crazies on Venice Beach might say, "Daddy Bush." The truth is Republicans are just better at everything they do, except spin. This is why we... I mean they are so adept at off-the-cuff press conferences and hostile audiences. And that's not some liberal, progressive spin, mkay? It's a fact. I know it, billions of Americans know it, and Hollywood knows it. These opinions are not spin - they're facts. Get used to it, mkay? Billow O'Really? grew up a poor black child in southeastern Detroit, Michigan. Beating all the odds, Billow graduated with a PhD in Nuclear Physics from Harvard in 1964 at the age of eight, and entered the Marine Corps in 1969 at thirteen. He fought for sixteen years in Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia, where he heroically won the Silver Cross, the Purple Heart, and two Congressional Medals of Honor. After an injury prompted surgeons to cut out his heart he was no longer eligible for combat, so Billow reluctantly left the service to pursue a career in journalism, where he has since won three Peabody Awards, a Pulitzer Prize, and is currently under consideration for the Nobel.

Wartime Economy Strong Bush's Numbers Better Than Clinton's I love this big old country. Every time I think about people who actually speak out against its leaders I get a tear in my eye because it's just... so very wrong. To speak out against a nation's leaders is not only wrong but it's, dammit, I must say it, it's outright unpatriotic. One thing a lot of naysayers like to harp on is the ailing economy, and how going to war in conjunction with a minor tax cut just isn't economically wise. But I think it's my patriotic duty to point out that this is not only different from my personal views, but it's also wrong. As an American patriot I love money. I mean, who doesn't, right? I get into analyses of market trends and various indicators of our Union's economic health. It's every red-blooded American man and woman's right to keep an eye on these things, and I think I'm highly qualified to point out something strange. Strange, indeed. I'm not sure how many of these obnoxious, pontificating jerkwad, self-absorbed, condescending imbeciles know it, but our economy is actually healthier now than it was at the same point during Clinton's "Presidency." Keep reading, friends, and I'll show you why: Three major indicators of a nation's economy are Unemployment Rates, Dow Jones Industrial Averages, and the Budget's Deficit/Surplus. If we run the numbers, we can see a surprising trend in unemployment rates since 1988! How about that? And a thorough check of the Dow Jones Averages since that same time reveals very much the same type of thing! Now, and I'm going to try to get this out without getting choked up about how very un-American it is to doubt these figures but, I ask you: does anyone else, besides we here at FOX, speak so positively about an economy that is, well, to be frank, vibrant and alive? I think not! Now, and here comes the clincher, but the biggest economic concern of anyone whose opinions are correct, like mine, is the budget. We all learned during the greatest days of that heroic American Ronald Reagan about how very important running a budget surplus is. And we nearly saw our entire country crumble during the days of deficit-happy Bill Clinton. But the question that should beat in the proud, manly American red-blooded heart is: how is that budget looking today? I rest my case. I think the numbers speak for themselves. And I say unto any traitor who dares question the competence of our manly, American, red-blooded and heroic Republican administration, "go to hell you scum-sucking, intellectual, communist-loving, money-hating pig!" Neil Calzone is a red-blooded, pre-pubescent, American man/boy who enjoys croquet, doughnuts, and Norman Rockwell paintings. He's a firm advocate of individualism, except when others are involved, and steadfastly holds such controversial stances as flag-waving patriotism and absolute conformity. Vice President of the Buffalo Chapter for the Falsettic Articulation Guild, Neil is still working on lowering the pitch of his voice.

Christianity Fundamental to Extermination of Moslem Fundamentalists Many righteous Christians find the ability of secular Americans to think other religions are "good" disheartening, but this is not the whole picture. In reality, so do some Christians think moslems are a "peaceful" people. Even the President has been misguided by "loyal cabinet members" spouting this nonsense. In an interview John McCain once told me, "Islam is based upon many of the same principles Christianity is based upon." Taking such an offense in stride, I calmly countered, "that might be the case, but what Islamic principle (were) the Sept. 11 attacks based upon?" In his most devilish tone the esteemed Senator struck back with the following: "What Christian principle was Timothy McVeigh’s attack on Oklahoma City based upon?" I’ll give you a moment to reflect upon that bout of blasphemy before I proceed: Jesus, the Merciful and Compassionate Now, and bless his heart, but it’s apparent the “good” Sinator hasn’t been enlightened by the Gospel. So I proceeded to explain to him the differences between the one and only true God and the moslem equivalent, Allah. I informed him that seculars don't usually understand the Ker ' rang*, and therefore could not possibly give this faddish cult a proper consideration. That fact is well documented. But to moslems, "god" is an evil ruler who aims to destroy nonbelievers. Consider the following passages from the Ker ' rang: III - The House of Imran:75, "Whosoever turns his back (on 'god') are ungodly." XXXIII - The Confederates:25, "Surely 'god' is all-strong and almighty" Could it not be more clear how very arrogant this faddish fairy tale of islam is? To compare their Allah with the one and only true God is not the least daunting slice of their notion of self-importance. islam is fundamentally a very violent cult. All Americans, secular or righteous, should recognize the threat such military powerhouses like Jordan, Lebanon, and Iraq pose to Christian nations like ours. We should know better than to fall for the mystical crackpottery of these splinter groups. What could happen if we don't wake up soon and smell the violence of islam? Consider the following passages:LX – The Woman Tested:4, "Enmity and hatred will reign between us until ye believe in 'god' alone. VIII – The Spoils:39, "Say to the unbelievers, if they give over He will forgive them what is past; but if they return the wont of the ancients is already gone!"II – The Cow:193, "And fear God, and know that God is terrible in retribution." IX - Repentance:5, "Slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and lie in wait for them at every place of ambush."V – The Table:72-73, "They are unbelievers who say ‘God is the third of three.’... there shall afflict those of them that disbelieve" Allah The list goes on through two painfully wicked Suras. This should be a wake up call for all Christian nations, especially God's favorite - the USA. Christians and heathens alike should know where to seek the wisdom to guide us in the defense of our holy Land from these devilish fiends. Well, obviously the Good Book is precisely where we should find the proper advice. It has brought all us righteous folks to our current position as global boss in this, the 6,428th year of our Late Grate Planet's days. One has but to look to The Gospel for proper guidance in these matters. For example,in Deuteronomy 17:12-13, the Bible tells us that anyone who will not listen to a priest or a judge must be executed, and Jude informs all who will pay heed that God destroys those who don't believe in Him (Chapter 1, Verse 5). When you know the Bible the way we all should, it's not all that difficult to find righteous guidance in these matters. As I sit to write this very article I find it abundantly easy to thumb through my own Bible and locate the proper guidance therein:1 Samuel 15:3, "utterly destroy all that (the nonbelievers) have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling"James 2:13, "For He shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shown no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment"Matthew 13:42, "cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth"Matthew 24:50-51, "cut (any nonbeliever) in pieces, and assign him a place with the hypocrites; weeping shall be there, and the gnashing of teeth."2 Thessalonians 1:7-9, "retribution to those who do not know God, and to those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus and these will pay the penalty of eternal destruction."ACTS 3:23, "And it shall come to pass, that every soul, which will not hear that prophet, shall be destroyed from among the people." It's clear where the one and only real God stands on the issue of violence. We are truly on a mission from God. Let no man cast aside what I have shown today, for the islamic moslems are simply nothing more than a violent lot of wretched evildoers that must be exterminated. Can we afford to sit back and allow these devils to continue threatening all that is good? Absolutely not. It says in Revelations 1:18 that Jesus holds the keys to hell and death. And if moslems are knocking on that door, we need to help push them through it. Pope Going to Hell God Gives President Bush the Scoop For several centuries now the Catholic Church has been a bully pulpit of Pseudo-Christianity for those who have the devil in them, and who cannot see the righteous path. This was not always the case. As many of you may know, the Catholic Church undertook a noble cause a little less than a millennium ago (in fairness I must bring up the fact that righteous Christianity had not yet been borne by Martin Luther) through a little-known act of benevolence commonly referred to as the Crusades. The Crusades were a valiant attempt to spread the Good Word across the heretical Arabian Desert and beyond. These efforts took centuries and alas, failed. This failure is painfully obvious, as evidenced by the presence of moslems still today. But this failure, in part, came about largely because the Crusaders did not have access to M-1 Abrams Tanks, Cruise Missiles, B-1B Bombers, or even small arms ammunition. But we do, and it just seems logical that the leader of an organization so hell-bent on saving a people 1,000 years ago would be thrilled to hear about our ongoing efforts to spread The Gospel throughout the Middle East. However, this is not the case. In His last conversation with President Bush, God revealed that the leader of the apparently liberalized Catholic Church (check out their stance on evolution, for instance) is not with us. The Pope and his little church, therefore, are against us. I don't think I have to tell you what that means. Clem Tiddle is the world's most intelligent, righteous, and thought-provoking journalist on God's great planet Earth. He questions the validity of progress, and promotes the elimination of Chemistry, Biology, and Heliocentrism. Supporting a return to Inquisitional methodology, Clem is heard daily, by over 920 million listeners, on WNUTS 450 A.M. *According to the Christian Pronunciation & Intonation Guide, or C-PIG, "Ker ' rang" is an acceptable adaptation. Webmaster This site is in no way associated with Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation or the Fox News Channel