We Distort
You Abide

Hollywood Thumbs It's Nose
To Much Freedom Makes Hollywood Elitists Think Their Better Then Us

Shemp Hammity

When liberals wine about the president its okay to wine about them wining about the president. That's call Freedom of Spech, e.g. it's one thing to wine about it when liberals wine about stuff they don't like.

But when they wanna wine about folks who wine about them because them folks wined about stuff the elitists wined about, well that's just too excessively much for me to digest. And its morally offensive to. It don't take a whole lot of intellectually rational logical truth honesty to see how this is bein' hypocritical, because the elitists think their so much more smarter anyways then the rest of us and don't apparently feel like our opinions matters to much.

Last week Hollywood personality Tim Robbins told a interviewer that some fake and phoney fictitional right wing media machine was makeing a big deal about him bein' anti-American and not a Patriot. He also says that other Hollywood liberal elist scumbag pinko fags just like him are bein' maked a big deal of to. Now, weather or not its true is irrevelant, but to me, in my own personal opinion, I personally think he's braking the law.

He's clearly in violation of the First Amendment. Let freedom ring, I always say, but the freedom of speech should only apply to stuff that's right and not stuff that's obliviously wrong. I think a important man once said "Don't never yell 'Freedom!' in a crowded Republican Convention," because its dangerous to have to much freedoms. And this fag Robbins is doing just exactly that - he's aidin' and abettin' other enemys like Susan Sarandon and Barbara Streisand who want to destory everything that is good and allow more bad things into every day life, like kids wearin' denims to school, woman talking in church, children under the age of 21 buyin' condims, and comedians like Lenny Bruce get away with sayin' offensive stuff. These Hollywood actor-type people are violatin' the spirit of truely restricted freedom, which is the freedom moral folks like me uses.

Anyone who thinks freedom means "to be free" is probly a communist wack-job, because its obvious real freedom is a very strictly contol set of rules and regulations including moral stuff. These commie libertarian types just needs to shut up. Liberal freedom which the liberatarians wants is to darn free.

Our nobel leader has mention a couple times that they're ought to be limitationisms on freedom, and in my opinion I know he's right. To much freedom is a scarey thing and it causes amongst other things elitism, in other words when you mistakedly believe your so much more smarter then other people. And the last time I checked the Constitution didn't mention nothin' about no freedom of elitism.

Shemp Hammity earned his Electrician's License in 1986 and Associate's Degree in General Education from Sage Junior College of Albany in 1993. His radio show can be heard daily on WNUTS 450 AM Talk Radio.

FOX Reporter Fired for not Being Fair and Balanced Enough
FOX Demographic not Ready for Morally Ambiguous Hooters Story

Gretel Von Clusternen

Recently a story was aired on FOX about a group of children who were taken to the local Hooters Restaurant for one of their school functions. Seemed to be a fairly straightforward story, and so it was rapidly brought to the attention of us here at FOX. However, shortly after we resubmitted the information to our audience in the form of breaking news, we received a number of contentious calls from Neil Boortz listeners.

As it turns out, despite our original intentions of using the Hooters story to illustrate the immorality of liberals who allow children to see women's legs and bosoms, many from our wealthy libertarian audience interpreted the story in a slightly contrary manner. Apparently taking the children to a place like Hooters is the right of the children's guardian. Furthermore, we were told, a visit to Hooters provides no more revealing a view of women's bodies than a visit to the beach or a swim meet. Evidently, reacting negatively to the idea of pre-teens being waited on by bikini-clad models is a form of 'political correctness,' a concept with which we conservatives unwittingly usurped the human virtue formerly known as of 'politeness'.

Therefore it was the decision of FOX to remove the individual who initially pitched this glurge story from our staff. If you're a registered FOX Fanatic we apologize for our moment of confusion and irresponsibility. Fortunately, you can rest assured that the Hooters story is no longer an issue for anyone involved; everything worked out fine and the world is once again rid of moral ambiguities.



Gretel's previous career as mild-mannered house frau changed abruptly when FOX lured her away from CNN with a pricey facelif...much needed image revision. FOX knew her talents as an aggressive woman would find their niche once we dumped the loopy Coulter attorney would benefit the organization greatly. Gretel has contributed to important cases and as an attorney she won trials. Plural. She played a crucial role in other stuff, for which she earned awards created specifically to inflate her surgically diminished ego. A graduate with honors of a major university, Gretel is indeed a rare conservative. Von Clusternen frequently wins awards only won by 70% to 80% of her peers.

I Outwitted Al Franken
And in a Calm and Magnanimous Way

Billow O'Really?

Last week, at a public function in Los Angeles, in which I and scumbag liberal whiney-ass Al Franken were plugging our latest books, I showed the world the true meaning of the term class. Not only did Mr. Franken utilize an authorized photo of me in his latest book, he also decided to deride me at the public function.

Unauthorized photo of Billow in front of his favorite Boston hangout

After Franken - who'd taken over twice his allotted time to speak, and had uttered countless lies about me - slithered off the stage, I was tempted to throw a temper tantrum and call him a couple of nasty names. But you know me; I'm the exemplar of maturity and chivalry. Unlike the knee-jerk liberals in this world I can control my emotions in such a trying situation. Naturally, in my typical cheery and humble tone, I quipped, "Is it my turn now to overstep my time limit by a factor of two?" The audience, of course, tickled by my cleverness, savored my next gibe: "Al's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?"

But Al Franken, Mr. Immaturity himself, who doesn't seem to understand that I have previously misspoke about my qualifications, couldn't leave it at that. Mr. Scumbag faggity uppity liberal whiney ass pussy boy Franken retorted something extremely adolescent like, "nanny boo boo," called me a "dummy," and finally started doing that sneeze-the-word-'bullshit' sound after everything I'd say. Of course, we all recognize the emotional stress behind insults like these; most adults have outgrown such childish overreactions, and can control their hindbrains a little better than that.

But not Al Franken. He continued to lash out at me, screaming, "Shut up, you idiot! This isn't your show!" The crowd was shocked, but thankfully my final act of valor set the tone straight, once and for all: "Mr. Franken, I was mature enough to allow you your time, now please save any further commentary for your next book." After a healthy round of applause I was able to move back into my lecture.

Forty-three minutes later I was done with yet another O'Really?-signature classy speech, a crowd of bookworms were all the more knowledgeable, and Mr. Franken was ashamed to look in the mirror.

Everything was back to normal.

Billow O'Really? grew up a poor black child in southeastern Detroit, Michigan. Beating all the odds, Billow graduated with a PhD in Nuclear Physics from Harvard in 1964 at the age of eight, and entered the Marine Corps in 1969 at thirteen. He fought for sixteen years in Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia, where he heroically won the Silver Cross, the Purple Heart, and two Congressional Medals of Honor. After an injury prompted surgeons to cut out his heart he was no longer eligible for combat, so Billow reluctantly left the service to pursue a career in journalism, where he has since won three zero Peabody Awards, a Pulitzer Prize, and is currently under consideration for the Nobel.

Iraqi Trailers - Mobile Microbreweries?
Virtually Identical to American-Made Mobile Microbreweries

Brit Gunray

Amazingly, every truck-trailer mobile lab found in Iraq has been, in all likelihood, a high-tech Microbrewery, according to Stu Ball, Faux News' Pentagon correspondent. This surprising assessment came to light shortly after an investigation wherein NBC News' Tom Brakow discovered - and then hastily pointed out to the world on his May 29 evening broadcast - just how strikingly similar the recovered Iraqi trailers are to an American-made equivalent, the T-125 Mobile Lab.

For some strange reason Brakow and his crew initially claimed the recovered Iraqi mobile microbreweries are exactly like those used by facilities he referred to as Army Chemical Weapons Depots. "Not so," Ball assured us, "there are no such facilities!" Ball reminded us how media liberals are prone to spew such exaggerations. Laughed Ball, "that's just another exaggeration the media liberals are prone to spew. The trailers are nothing more than mobile microbreweries." As Ball pointed out, some microbreweries have to be mobile in order to avoid exorbitant tax fees liberal states place on stationary brewing facilities. "Keeps the beer cheap," Mr. Ball commented.

According to Ball, the types of fermenters, wort coolers, mash mixers, and several other components found in the recovered Iraqi trailers bear an uncanny resemblance to those found in the U.S.-employed T-125. Also, Ball remarked, the overall design of the Iraqi mobile labs virtually mirror their American-made counterparts' layout.

"The layout is virtually the same as those used in Army-sponsored microbreweries," Ball explained, thanking Brakow for his breaking story last month in which NBC confirmed the T-125 mobile microbrewery is currently employed at the Chemical Madness Brewery, in Umatilla, Oregon.

The two recovered truck-trailers also indicate the Iraqis were skilled at some fairly esoteric brewing processes, such as milling and lautering. The first recovered microbrewery lab featured the best sight tube money can buy, and both labs sport recently purchased new lauter grants. Not all the pieces were top-of-the-line, however, as the perforated manifolds in both date back to 1986. Ball explained that some beer and ale, such as the Anniston, Alabama Gas! Gas! Gas! Microbrewery's trademark Lewisite Lager, and Chemical Madness' own Sweet Sarin Stout improve over time.

U.S.-operated Mobile Microbrewery Labs in Umatilla, Oregon and Anniston, Alabama

"Interestingly," Ball added, "these Iraqi microbrewery labs were set up with the most expensive equipment available." For instance, Mr. Ball advised, Bechtel wort refrigeration units, which run up to $32 thousand apiece, and Halliburton fermenters, over $12 thousand each (and constructed of the world's finest glass) were identified by Brakow's crew in the Iraqi labs' inventories. Quipped Ball, "these guys were serious about their beer!"

Of course the entire nation is in awe of Brakow's discovery, and the White House is no exception. When told of Brakow's revelation Secretary of Defense Donald Ricklesfeld could hardly contain his surprise, exclaiming, "Great. Way to go, Tom."

Brit Gunray began his career in journalism as a newspaper in 1974, in Gaithersburg, Maryland. Since that time Gunray has covered expensive tabletops, penthouse window panes, and a number of other important objects throughout his career. A dignified and gracious Changeling, Gunray served as an ABC News conference room doorknob for 25 years. He was later promoted to a hill, and came to work for FOX, where he is now a regular panel in the Green Room. Seeking all corners of creation, Brit strives to crush the natives of the freedom-loving planet, Liberalis. No champion of open-mindedness, Brit patrols the atmosphere of progress, smartly zapping anyone and everyone who reaches it. His Daily Denunciation can be heard every day on WNUTS 450 AM Talk Radio.

Page 1

Page 2

Contact Us

Support Our Armed Forces
Don't Tolerate Deserters