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Hatfields, McCoys Kiss and Make Up
Agree to Cherish Mutual Hatred of Minorities

Antony Diminutivo

The famous feud between the Hatfields and McCoys is officially over. In perhaps one of the quirkiest moments in history, representatives from each family kissed and made up today in Pikeville, Kentucky. The event marked the end of over 130 years of fighting between the two dubiously famous southern families.

When asked why heads of both families had agreed to call a truce, Butch McCoy of Culpeper, Virginia explained, "Everyone realized we all hate tar-babies, chinks, spicks, and fags, and now that they's a new group of folks to hate - namely them sand niggers from Jewland - we all thought we should move on to more productive thangs." Added Louisa Hatfield of Middle Creek, Kentucky, "we figured, why fight amongst each another if'n we can band together and kill minorities, which is the most dangerousest threat to America!"

Everyone at the historic signing agreed intellectuals and minorities embody all that is wrong and evil in the U.S.A., and that the families' shared hatred would be much more effective than their continued bickering in the righteous war against progress.

His Honor Antony Diminutivo provides FOX with legal analysis of important ongoing developments, such as those surrounding legal troubles of Hollywood elitists scumbags. Diminutivo’s greatest talent is the ability to remind his coworkers of First Amendment issues, in tones that steer away from suggesting his advocacy of the continued legality of the questionable amendment. His daily radio show, Legalese, can be heard daily on WNUTS 450 a.m. Talk Radio

White House Ravaged by Monkeypox
Only the President Seems Immune

Shitturd Smith

In a strange case of "what-in-the-world?", the White House is a sick house. Just about everyone - from the dirtiest Salvadoran house cleaner, to the jolly Italian cook, to the First Lady herself - seems to have contracted the medical condition known as Monkeypox. Experts are baffled, and a small medical staff - masks included - continues to examine everyone involved.

"Probably the oddest thing," said Dr. Otto Von Strangelove of Leesburg, Virginia, "is that the President himself seems to be completely immune to the virus." Strangelove is a well-known Republican physician whose recent initiative Gyp Our Patients! is behind President Bush's ongoing efforts to make medical malpractice caps a constitutional reality.

"Something about the President's DNA allows his body to immediately eliminate any threat from the virus," an incredulous Strangelove remarked. According to Strangelove, the Monkey Pox virus should affect Mr. Bush just as it has everyone else in the Whitehouse, but the President seems to be stronger than your average human: "I've even given him our latest & most effective model of the respiration mask, but he apparently doesn't need it!"

Some researchers from Johns Hopkins Medical Research Center in nearby Baltimore, Maryland have suggested a vaccine could be developed in tandem with a thorough study of the President's unique DNA, but these young researchers were turned away when it was discovered they weren't supporters of Strangelove's G.O.P. initiative.

Behold a whole new depth to shallowness! Shitturd Smith is a "man" whose success proves smarmy is still en vogue. Break out the Wham! albums and get jiggy with it! He's prettier than Gretel Von Clusternen, and every bit as manly as Neal Calzone! Nobody attenuates the already negligible standard for journalistic integrity as ably as Shitturd Smith. You go, girl!

Dennis Miller Stops Shaking for 30 Seconds
Manages to Stand Still for Photographer

E.Z. Hillman

This afternoon Dennis Miller stood still for about half a minute, so that his photographer could snap the sharp-tongued comedian's picture. The photo session was one of the last steps in the completion of Miller's latest book, Rantity, Ranticulatory, Rantithon Rants. Professional photographer David Patterson was thrilled, saying it only took two days to get the shoot done. "The last time we did this it took over a week," said Patterson, whose high-speed shutter work with Janet Reno's hands got Miller's attention in 1999.

Miller, whose comedic approach has been described, of late, as "formulaic, trite, and simply unfunny" told me his critics are "duller than the butter knife O.J. Simpson uses to open his weekly regimen of baked beans and tuna fish."

Recently, Miller has been criticized for politically "switching sides" from liberalism to conservatism, but that's not entirely true, says the handsome pontificator.

"I've always been a stagnatist, E.Z. You know that, but the people who say this type of (stuff) have been misled. How misled? (chuckles) Let me put it this way... more misled than Hillary Clinton after Bill described his frequent trips to Thailand as 'diplomatic functions'!"

When I asked him what makes him a conservative Miller stated, "Look, cha cha, these communist femi-nazi liberals always label great men... men with whom they disagree more violently than Mike Tyson after two hours of non-REM sleep... nasty names like 'Hitler,' 'racist,' and 'ignoramus.' But you never see conservatives labeling the idiotic liberals. It's clear to me which school of political thought is the more mature one. How clear? (chuckles) Let me put it this way... clearer than Edgar Winter's complexion after a lengthy bleach bath and peroxide rubdown, cha."

Miller's show can be seen on HBO every Friday night at 11:30 p.m.

President Bummed Out Preemptive Peace Has Failed in Israel
Wonders Why Some Nations Don't Like Good Stuff, Like Peace and Prosperity

Neil Calzone

"Some nations just hate peace," the brilliant leader of our superior nation stated Wednesday. The comments spelled out yet another fascinating aspect of our Maestro President Bush's analytical acuity - the ability to see the abstract behind the obvious. Not since Yogi Berra or Leon Spinks have we seen such a wealth of perspicacity in the face of adversity; evil men are naturally evil, and the notion that mysterious "psychological" forces, such as "jealousy," "resentment," or "fear" motivate homicide bombers is just another ignorant heap of liberal baloney. Thank God for George W. Bush!

You won't hear a lot of mainstream media telling you what our great and noble leader is telling us. Sure, as the only true patriots on God's Green Earth we here at FOX are prone to report this little-known subtlety of personal philosophy (surely we all remember the acute pronouncement by our own great Bill O'Reilly: "Evil has a way of killing people"), but outside of FOX and The Weekly Stagnant the only news you'll find in the mainstream media is unfiltered.

Unfortunately, instead of supplying you the proper editorial guidance so crucial when examining a supposedly "natural" tendency of things to change, some news organizations honestly believe all they should do is report the facts. This is an unhappy effect the liberal elitist pinko commie scum that run the remainder of our news rooms have on our Fatherland. But it is only natural; they simply don't possess the sort of genuine intellect Mr. O'Reilly and our celestial leader Mr. Bush possess. Heck, who does?

Alas, it is true that most of us don't function on an intellectual level as lofty as our president's. If we did, then perhaps evil nations like Palestine would actually cherish moral, non-evil things.

Neil Calzone is a red-blooded, pre-pubescent, American man/boy who enjoys croquet, doughnuts, and Norman Rockwell paintings. He's a firm advocate of individualism, except when others are involved, and steadfastly holds such controversial stances as flag-waving patriotism and absolute conformity. Vice President of the Buffalo Chapter for the Falsettic Articulation Guild, Neil is still working on lowering the pitch of his voice.

Michael Weiner Has a Point
It's Okay for 'Savage Nation' to Pick on Businesses 1/3,000th its Size

Rupert Murdoch

One thing great about America is the Freedom of Speech. Occasionally someone's speech manifests itself as a type of parody - you know, making a spectacle of someone else while figuratively winking at your listeners. Apparently this is also considered "free speech," but there comes a time when it must stop.

When someone's parody is too subtle for its own victims to discern, and when said victims are white, conservative men - then that's where another great American truism comes in to play: money talks.

If you are rich, conservative, and a victim of a smarter, liberal person's subtle humor, well these days are your lucky days, my friend. At no other time has such an ersthwhile free nation like the USA become so backwards in its thinking. Why, we're on the verge of seeing two Supreme Court justices step down (you heard it here first) - one of which is a known panty-waist liberal whiny baby ass - and with Karl Rove in charge we're sure to see some very fine judicial nominations indeed. Happily, we seem to be on the verge of a grand leap back to the days of segregation and, dare I say it, repeal of the 19th Amendment!

On air, Michael demonstrates how he earned the hyphenated last name Weiner-Savage.

We stagnatists are in the midst of a beautifully retarded juncture in American history. And Michael Weiner-Savage knows it. Weiner has recently filed suit against three very minor web sites - www.SavageStupidity.com, MichaelSavageSucks.com, and Take Back The Media.com. This action has a lot of whining liberal pussyboys crying "But he's picking on someone a lot tinier than his 'Savage Nation'!" Makes me shiver every time I witness a white man actually pulling for the underdog, but shit happens, and we can't turn back the tide of progress if we simply ignore it.

Trust me: Michael Weiner-Savage is on the right track. There has been no better time in recent history for right-minded stagnatists like ourselves to go on the offensive. Screw free speech! Money talks, I say!

I congratulate Mr. Weiner-Savage, and any other rabidly bitter boyhood rape victim currently exploiting our nation's ignorance; your timing couldn't be better. At no other time in the recent past has America been so backwards, and as they say in Rome, Carpe Diem.

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