(New York) Donald Trump knows who's boss.
"I'm very proud of this moment," boasted the multi-billionaire Sunday evening, in response to news the United States has captured and killed the mastermind behind the attacks of September 11th, 2001.
"I am so stoked that I was able to accomplish something big that nobody else has been able to accomplish," quipped the Donald. "That is, in allowing the president to pursue other matters, by relieving him of his duties to locate his long-form birth certificate, I have enabled the president to do great, great things." He added, "clearly this Osama-bada-bing development is because of my really, really important efforts."
In addition to pointing out his crucial part in America's victorious campaign over Al Qaeda's founder, Trump has a unique take on what he'd have done if the honor of taking bin Laden out had been his.
"If it was me," bellowed the humble New Yorker, "I'd have slapped (bin Laden) around first, sayin', 'WHO'S YOUR (expletive) DADDY, YOU (expletive) SAND MONKEY?'" Trump continued. "None of this (in an effeminate voice) 'awww, let's negotiate some terms of your surrender' French (expletive)."
Naturally, the Don admits he'd have had a tough time navigating the Afghan caves, where bin Laden spent much of his time, without the assistance of some very talented friends. "No one like me coulda found Osama so quick," explained Trump, "but my basketball-playing, affirmative-action-college-entering, buds from Long Island — the blacks — well, without their animal instincts and dog-like sense of smell, there's no telling how long it'd have taken me to find that rag-head (expletive)."
